Friday, June 1, 2007

Moving Wave

50 Manliest Men Ever (Well, Mostly Men)

50. Martina Navratilova – In a sport best known for the “sweater tied around the neck” fashion, it is unlikely for a truly manly man to emerge. However, one did, although not on the men’s side of the net. Martina Navratilova dominated the sport for decades. If you are doubting this selection, realize that unless you are on this list yourself, she has most likely slept with more women than you. If that doesn’t earn her a spot on this list, nothing will.

49. Christian Laettner – Of all the guys on the list, only one can really be called a “Man’s man” quite literally. He’s Christian Laettner. Also available to sub in at this position – Mike Piazza.

48. Mario (from Super Mario Brothers 1-1,000,000)
– This guy is a plumber who ended up marrying into royalty and keeping a sugar mama. He lives the life that every guy dreams of every single night in their sleep. Add also the fact that he breaks bricks open with his head and uses flowers to make fire and you
’ve got one manly dude.

47. Kermit Washington
– Those who know anything about Kermit Washington’s sports career know exactly how tough he was. But few think about the fact that throughout his whole life he had to endure the name Kermit. How many could truly deal with the constant “go back to the swamp” comments and “how’s it feel to have
a hippy’s hand up your butt all the time?” questions. You and I might melt down, but it just made Washington stronger.

46. Patrick Swayze – Even though he was in Dirty Dancing, Swayze was still able to make the list. That is a testament to exactly how tough he was in Road House and that SNL male dancer sketch. Nobody puts Swayze in the corner or the honorable mention portion of Manliest Men lists.

45. NHL Hockey Players
– I have to group these warriors together because they would have a monopoly on this list if
I didn’t. These guys lose their teeth and risk their lives everyday for hockey. They don’t get any women because they are all so ugly and Canadian. They don’tget any fame because no one watches (Isn't there a strike or something?). As far as anyone can tell, they only play hockey so they can hurt other hockey players. That’s tough.

44. Dick Butkus – I once saw a tape from Butkus’ final high school game where he tackled an opposing ball carrier so hard that the guy’s head flew off of his body and lay on the 50 yard line. No, wait! He did that to NFL running backs. More than once.

43. Bill
Parcells – If manliness was measured in the ankle strength alone, Bill Parcells would be number one on this list. However, he is still a deserving member of it. The coach was able to win football games, even with T.O. trying to kill himself, an addiction to nachos, and all of Tony Romo’s disease-infested flavors-of-the-week standing in his way.

42. Juan Marichel – A mediocre baseball player, at best, Marichel will forever be known as the player who hit Johnny Roseboro with a baseball bat. Sure, it’s not the most noble thing, but no one ever said that being a man was about being noble. In fact, some would say Marichel should be higher on the list because HE HIT ANOTHER DUDE WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

41. Pocket Hercules
– Being an Olympic gold medal winner in weightlifting is pretty impressive in and of itself. But Lil’ Hercules was only 6 inches tall and could lift a full size Semi-Truck with his right arm only. And he was left handed!

40. Lance Armstrong
– There is a journal out there somewhere written by someone who raced against Armstrong in the first Tour
de France. He talks about while he is in first place, during the most grueling mountain stage, he hears Armstrong coming up on him. Basically, he determines that he would rather lose the entire tour than let “the gringo” pass him. He says he gave it everything he had to stay in front, but as Armstrong passed him, Lance looked back and smiled at him.
This was only months after he recovered from terminal cancer.

39. Paul Bunyan
– Most people get a dog. He got a gigantic blue ox. He is responsible for digging lakes, laying miles of train track, cutting down, like, a million trees, and fathering all of Wisconsin’s children. If you doubt his existence, then ask yourself “Have I ever seen a lake or a person from Wisconsin?” Point proven.

38. Wilt Chamberlain – If Bunyan impregnated all of Wisconsin, Chamberlain is responsible for the entire western seaboard and probably a good portion of the eastern (depends on how many road trips they had back then). Rumored to have a dirty relationship count in the 5-6 digit range and scoring 3 digits in a single game? He’s a man among men and many, many, many women.

36. Evel Knievel – I once saw a guy hit himself in the scrotum for a bag of Doritos on a dare. That’s pretty tough. However, I never witnessed anyone except for Evel try to jump 13 city buses, break a pelvis, then walk to the podium to address the fans. If he had died during one of his jumps, then gotten up to talk to the audience after, he probably would have been bolted to number one.

37. Shirtless Football Fans These guys go into the coldest places on the coldest day and wear nothing but a poorly painted, latex layer on them. They do this because they don’t have anything else to live for. That and the fact that what they do is just plain stupid keeps them from breaking into the top 25.

35. Jesus – See now, he did do the rise from the dead thing, but he never jumped a motorcycle over any buses. If only he and Evel had talked. Besides, based on all of the pictures I've seen, the guy was totally ripped too.

34. The Guys from Tyson’s
Punchout – On average this little group isn’t all that tough. Glass Joe and Piston Honda really bring down the class. However, a cage match isn’t about your sissy mathematical averages. I can’t think of any group, save one that I would rather have in a Jets vs. Sharks style gang fight than the collective crew of Tyson’s Punchout.

33. Curt Schilling
– No h
e isn’t the most intimidating pitcher in history. In fact, he’s not even an intimidating pitcher. But he is the only person who has a bloody piece of his wardrobe in the hall of fame. I watched him pull his foot off of his leg in the World Series, rub some dirt on it, and replace it so that he could go back to pitching.

32. Hulk Hogan – He is an icon, if not the icon, of professional wrestling. He is the toughest old guy, I’ve ever seen. Plus, I’ve never been scared of anyone in my whole life, except for one old girlfriend’s dad. He was a scary dude and once showed me his revolver. I would rather be caught behind his daughter than have to pick up Hogan’s for a church youth group event.

31. Johnny Unitas – It was a different time when Unitas was king of the quarterbacks. The recent discussions of “top 5 quarterbacks of all time” have been leaving him out, especially since Manning is now considered perfect. However, this guy used to wear fur coats on the sideline. He used to keep a woman in his locker at the stadium. He used to use a woman as a football while playing in fur pads.

30. Steve-O
– Earlier I mentioned a guy I knew in high school who hit himself in the scrotum with a hammer. That was a big deal. That’s what Steve-O does for a living. Except sometimes instead of using a hammer he uses a snake. Some people think that skyscraper workers or crab fisherman have manly jobs. This guy lets snakes eat his groin for a job.

29. NHL Goalies – Remember how tough I said hockey players were? Well goalies to the same thing, except they don’t ever risk getting in fights. In exchange for that they get to jump in front of a black, rubber bullet flying at 130 miles per hour. Excuse me, 130 Canadian miles per hour.

28. Ty Webb – To be a man, you don’t have to have the ability to smash things with your head. It helps, no questions. But you could also just be smooth. Enter Ty Webb. Perhaps the most quoted character in history, his movie is actually part of the prerequisite for even being a man.
27. Mike Tyson
– N
o one in the world is scarier than Mike Tyson: 1. He hit as hard as anyone in history. 2. He got a tattoo on his face, for no reason. 3. He spent time in jail. 4. He is completely out of his mind. 5. He threatened to eat children and stomp on their testicles. Even if I didn’t think he deserved a spot on this list, I’m too intimidated to not put him on it.

26. Zangeif (from Street Fighter) – Everyone else in the world of video games has special moves and blocks and all that. Zangeif simply walked up to people and squeezed them to death. Bears do that, not men. But we all know the formula: If A is more bear-like than B, then A is more man than B. That’s algebra one, brah.

Also, he had a Mohawk, a chest scar, and resided in Russia.

25. Achilles
– Perhaps the most controversial pick on this list, Achilles comes in at 25. Most would say that he deserved to be much hi
gher, considering he only has one weakness and is responsible for at least 50% of all trips to the DL. However, he was played by Brad Pitt in the movie Troy. It’s sad when someone else representing you actually hurts your career. (See all Drew Rosenhaus clients).

24. Bill
Braski – No one has ever even seen this guy. He is literally nothing but legend. One of those legends is that his “foreskin is used as a tarp over Yankee Stadium.” I’m not sure if that is cool or not, but I know that no woman would have a foreskin that big. Therefore, he is a true man.

23. Dennis Rodman – Including Navratilova, no one on this list could wear a dress and maintain the same level of masculinity. This guy is a true man, most of the time.

22. Bob Gibson – It’s been said a by multiple MLB players who hit against Gibson that his stuff was the greatest. They didn’t worry about the pitch as much as they did the snarl that Gibson gave them from the mound. He made his way to the hall of fame, essentially, on anger alone.

21. Joseph Kittinger – Look him up on if you don’t know who he is. He basically parachuted from outside of the atmosphere. Yes, that is actually impossible. However, he was too manly to let the laws of physics and nature stop him.

20. Rocky Balboa
– The tag for Rocky is “his whole life was a million to one shot.” Well, he took approximately a million shots. Listen to this resume. He beat more meat than anyone else. He fought Carl Weathers twice and (let’s be honest) won both times. He allowed Mr. T to beat on him for 15 rounds. He cried multiple times without us looking down on him. Oh yeah, and he stopped the Cold War single
-handedly. Do I really need to argue this one.

19. Steve Irwin – Too soon? Too bad. This guy was famous for picking fights with animals. Let me write every script in his television career: “Hey, there’s a _________, the deadliest animal in the world. One look at it could kill an entire village. I’m going to dry hump it.” And talk about devotion, he gave everything for that show.

18. Magnus ver Magnusson – He is the four time champion of the World’s Strongest Man title. For the love of all things holy, his title has the word man in it. He grunts more than Serena Williams, but – unlike her – he does it for a reason. That reason, of course, is that he is pulling a train.

17. Satan – Every girl I’ve ever talked to has claimed that the defining qualities of men are their pride and bullheadedness. This guy takes the cake. He’d rather spend eternity in hell, rather than just admit that he was a bad boy. Plus, it was his pride that got him there in the first place. Personally, I think South Park has taken a few too many liberties. I’ll bet he’s rough as hell – pun intended.

16. Walter Payton – Remember that time that Payton just ran right through a wall of defenders. Of course you don’t, because it was every play. He actually busted through literal walls, simply because he hated doors. The only player in NFL history to never be tackled, he scored on every single run. In his later years, the NFL made a temporary rule allowing defending teams to have 22 players on defense and each player could wear a bulldozer as a uniform. He also made the headband look, that's sweet, Sweetness.

15. William Wallace – The only reason William Wallace doesn’t make the top ten is the ridiculous amount of make-up he wore. And, honestly, blue wasn’t his color. Like, totally.

14. The 1993 Philadelphia Phillies – These guys were the fatest “athletes” ever to be decent at their respective sport. Plus they all had killer mustaches. Go look at their team photo. It looks like 25 buffalo wing-loving Burt Reynolds. Incidentally, this is the only collective group that I would take into a cage match over the crew from Tyson’s Punch Out.

13. Burt Reynolds
– Every guy wants a mustache and every guy wants a mustache because of Burt Reynolds. He hurt his stock a little by being in commercials about being manly for Bud Light. A true man is stoic in nature and doesn’t talk about how much of a b.a. he is. Despite this transgression, he’s way up on the list. Did he invent the mustache or just perfect it?

12. Chuck Norris – A few years ago, Norris wouldn’t have even made this list, but then two things happened. The first was a group of people chose to write his unofficial biography, in a list form. Assuming all these facts are indeed facts, he is pretty rough. The second was that I saw Delta Force again.

11. Brett Favre – This one hurts, somehow, but it’s impossible to argue too much against it. He could be placed among the greatest quarterbacks of all time. He’s played professional football for 18 years and is coming back for another. He’s got a Super Bowl ring. Women from the ages of 8 to 85 melt when he comes in the room and he’s started roughly one gagillion games, despite playing on the concrete that is a frozen Lambo Field. He might be the only man who could walk up and steal Brad Pitt’s girl (sorry Tom Brady).

10. That Fat Guy that Gets Shot in the Gut with a Cannon
– You’
ve seen it on YouTube and commercials and all that. Come on, now, that would hurt like hell.

9. Ty Cobb – I don’t need to tell you his stats on the diamond. I’ll tell you what my grandfather told me. Ty Cobb used to sit on top of the visitor’s dugout and sharpen his metal spikes while staring at the catcher. When they made eye contact, he would spit. And that, as my grandpappy said, “is how the game is supposed to be played.”

8. Rulon Gardner
– An amateur wrestler from the U.S., Gardner has overcome more than most. For example, he has a learning disability. Here’s another example, he was stuck in the snow for an extended period of time before being rescued and had to have half of his foot removed. He refused pain medication before, during, or after the operation. Why? Because it would make him tougher. No big deal. That’s just another day for him.

7. Keith Richards – Jesus made this list because he cheated death. Well, I’m pretty sure that Keith Richards has risen from the dead everyday for the last twenty years. Plus, he gave us Brown Sugar and (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.

6. Rodney Dangerfield – Every guy I’ve ever known has complained about his wife and job and life in general. Dangerfield did it for a living. If I didn’t put him in the top 10, then I would have been doing the same as everyone else and given him (fill in his famous phrase here.)

See how you knew it?

5. Mohammad Ali – Yes, he hit hard. Yes, he talked smooth. Yes, he’s the greatest boxer of all time. That alone would make him a legend. But this guy developed, as a strategy, the concept of letting someone else beat on you until they were tired. On top of that, he called it the “rope-a-dope," as if they were the stupid ones.

4. Mas Oyana – One of the only truly famous legitimate martial artists, Mas Oyana could kick everyone’s ass. Everyone’s, ever, combined. He trained for years, then decided it wasn’t enough. So he took nothing except a pot and a book to a mountain and lived there for two years. During this time he trained for 14 hours a day (by lifting large rocks and fighting trees) and meditated for the rest of the time. He then came down from the mountain, won the most prestigious fighting tournament in the world and decided it wasn’t good enough. He spent another year and a half on the mountain.

Need I go on?

3. Babe Ruth – Everyday for Babe was eat, drink, sex, eat, eat, play game, sex, eat, DRINK. Despite the above less-than-athletic training regiment, he held baseball records in pitching and hitting up until just a few years years (Steroids anyone?). He saved baseball from scandal and cheating and had a Candy Bar named after him. Without Babe Ruth, there would be no movie The Sandlot. Even to this day, despite death, he beats the Red Sox. Sure they won one, but my guess was that Ruth was nursing a nurse and a hangover when that happened.

2. Chris Nilan – The only individual hockey player on this list, Nilan is in a class all by himself. He holds the record for highest per game average for penalty minutes at 4.42. In a single game, was actually accumulated 42 penalty minutes. He was nicknamed “Knuckles” by people who play the toughest sport in the world. For the love of Christ, HE SCARED HOCKEY PLAYERS! He actually wasn’t any good at the game, they were just too afraid to cut him.

1. Al Bundy – I’m not sure if he invented sarcasm, putting hands in one’s pants, being lazy, cursing, nagging your wife, watching sports, smelling bad, and complaining about everything in life (particularly family and job). If he didn’t invent it, he made it cool and taught me how to do all those things. He probably wouldn’t win in a fight, but no man with any self respect wouldn’t hit him anyway, out of reverence.