Sunday, April 22, 2007

The Top 5 Ways to spend time in college

I know you could always use your free time to drink, get stoned, or gamble, but odds are you probably won’t make it to Junior year. So here are the Top 5 Ways to Pass Time in College without Booze, Pot, Online Gambling, or any other somewhat accepted vice (aka hunting for you southerners).

5. The Crave Case Race – A Crave Case is a briefcase of 30 “sliders” (mini-burgers) supplied to you by our healthconscious fast food friends atWhite Castle. If your friends were the same as mine, they were always bragging about how much they could eat, and always ready to call somebody a pussy who didn’t eat a the regulated “cool college guy” amount. My friends often got caught up in bragging about how many “sliders” or Taco Bell tacos they had eaten in one sitting. The amount was always an absurd lie that you could subtract at least 4 from.

So we decided to invent a game called the Crave Case Race to put an end to the folklore we had passed around about eating 87 “sliders” in one sitting. The game is simple: Break into teams of two or three (if you want to be a pussy about it), and give each team their own Crave Case. First team to finish their briefcase-full of future diarrhea and cholesterol problems wins the Race. If you “pull the trigger” (aka throw-up) you are disqualified.

A Grande Meal from Taco Bell is another great alternative.

This game was invented while drunk, so there might have to be an asterisk next to this game. (Actually, if they aren’t going to put one next to Barry Bonds’s records than we won’t put one next to this game.) We invented this game at a Sorority Formal. Nothing quite turns your dates on like jamming mini-burgers down your throats, and calling each other "pussies."

4. Wall Ball: The College Edition – Every boy that grew up and wasn’t in the Drama Club played Wall Ball. The official court for Wall Ball was a Tennis Wall, but any hard wall with concrete or cement in front of it would do. You could use a Tennis Ball, Racquetball/Handball, or any other rubber bouncy ball. You had to throw the ball above a certain line (usually as high as the painted-on tennis net), and you couldn't let the ball bounce twice or throw it hard enough to leave the “playing area” on the fly. If you screwedup, you got one point against you.

The rules for the College Edition are the same, with one new stipulation. It is a lot like the drinking games you play in college, which are merely modifications of the things we used to do before needing booze to have a good time (beer-pong/bozo buckets, playing cards, putting a keg on second base for softball or kickball game, etc.).

The modification for this game is not boozing (because that would be cheating the rules of this Top 5). Instead, every time someone loses a point they have to stand facing The Wall, and allow the others to take turns throwing the ball at the failure from the baseline of the court. It is amazing how much the little blue bouncy racquet ball can hurt, and it is even more amazing how equally hard you laugh each time somebody gets drilled in the back-sack successfully.

This game can also be played with a soccer ball. You juggle the ball, and the person who botches the juggle has to take turns letting the other players kick the ball as hard as they can at their back (a beach-friendly game). When playing the same way but with a Hacky Sack, you get to throw it at the loser instead of kicking it. The Racquetball/ Wall-Ball version is the best because it is way easier to hit somebody with a throw than a kick, and you don’t have to look like a hippie.

3. IP-Relay – I am sure by now that most of you have used this great service. IP-Relay is a wonderful service that allows deaf people to make phone calls via an online instant messaging service ( You simply go to the website, punch the phone number in that you want to call, and an operator calls the person of your choice and relays to them what you are typing. Whatever you type, they say over the phone to the person you're calling. During my freshman dorm experience we used this almost as much as video games to pass the time.

Is there a better way to keep in-touch with your high school friends than by having some random operator calling them at 3pm on Tuesday afternoon asking, “Mr. (fill in the made up name of your choice) wants to know how he can get the puppy and prostitute to stop crying in unison from his locked closet?”

The operator typing your shocked friend’s response back to you is priceless: (fill in friend’s real name): Um [ten second pause] what? I think you have the wrong number…

That is when you write back something personal that only somebody close to him would know. “Mr. (fill in the made up name of your choice) wants to know why you went rollerblading with your high school girlfriend that weekend you thought all your friends were out of town. Were you wearing the recommended wrist guards for this?”

It is also fun if you and your prank calling partner both know about IP-Relay because you can join forces, and really start scaring/weirding-out the IP-Relay operator. There is nothing like the operator typing, “rubbing alcohol and a ball-gag” in response to your puppy and prostitute crying question to keep your time passing entertainingly .

2. Hot Sauce – No, I don’t mean in that homoerotic frat boy ritual of pouring it down your ass crack during hell week. It is actually a game that I made up my sophomore year of college.

One afternoon, as we were sitting in our “how did we convince our parents to let a bunch of immature and unsupervised 19-year-olds kids get a house” house, we realized how pathetic and un-athletic we had let the high school versions of ourselves get. We decided that we would go out front and toss around the football to get some exercise. After each of us ran three routes, and could hardly breathe, we decided to move it inside to the couch.

Still feeling pathetic about our far fall from athleticism we decided to play catch while sitting on our couches. As we were tossing the ball around and watching ESPN (I think we thought watching sports would make this more of a sport) I noticed our economy sized bottle of Louisiana Hot Sauce sitting on the coffee table (you know the coffee table that you get from your grandparents' house after they die). As I looked at the hot sauce I had an epiphany, this ingenius idea popped in my head like I was Robert Langdon in The Da Vinci Code.

I turned to my friends and said, “How about we each sit on separate pieces of furniture (we had a pretty big living room), we start throwing the ball harder at each other, and incorporate no-look-passes. And every time you drop a pass or make a crap throw you have to take a cap sized shot of hot sauce?”

The game Hot Sauce instantly became a bigger hit than Meth in a West Coast trailer park. We played all the time, and laughed hysterically each time someone had to take a shot of hot sauce which was usually followed by a sprint to the bathroom to possibly throw-up.

It was always fun to play with your friend who only wrestled or played offensive line growing up. His hands were more like paws, and it didn't look like he had opposable thumbs when he tried to catch the ball.

1. The NyQuil Race – This game is simple, very unsafe, and really dumb (exactly like college itself). You buy a bottle of liquid NyQuil, which comes ins both reddish-black and greenish-black magical versions. After your purchase you round up a few of your friends who have nothing to do on a Tuesday. Then follow these steps:

  1. Get 4 or more people who are participating in the game to all sit in the same room on couches, and in an upright position.
  2. Equally pour at least double the medically suggested amount out to each participant.
  3. Before drinking the NyQuil, each participant must take out a $20 bill and place it on the center table.
  4. At the same time, every participant drinks their NyQuil in full.
  5. The person who can stay awake the longest wins The NyQuil Race and the money, and is forever a leader amongst retards.

When playing this game it is important that there is at least one person observing the game that is not a participant. You can call this person “smart” or “referee,” but you are in college so you will probably just call him a “pussy.” When my friends played, they made the mistake of not designating a “referee,” and nobody could recall who won. It will be easy to find a “referee” for this because it is very funny to watch, and will only take fifteen minutes of his or her time.