How to know if she is faking orgasm?

I’d be willing to bet that you’ve been at least curious as to whether she was for real or not. She screams, she moans, she thrashes, she pulls your hair and yells “I’m cumming!” She’s so loud that the neighbors are close to calling the cops. But still, you have your doubts. Truth is, if you find yourself wondering, she’s probably faking it. But before you jump to conclusions, make sure you ask yourself a few follow up questions like “Am I giving her a reason to fake it?” or “Would you even know a real female orgasm if you saw one?” I’m going to do my best to educate you on the subject.

Its easy to understand your confusion. In contrast, the mechanics of the male orgasm are pretty easy to “get”: Dick gets hard > Dick gets stroked/sucked/fucked > Dick cums. There’s no real mystery there. Don’t you wish girls were that simple? Sorry to tell you boys, but we’re just not made that way. Our sexual organs and arousal process are way more internal. So unless she’s a squirter, a woman has no giant-red-flag-indicator that she’s having an orgasm. However, there are signs you can look for that will let you know she’s getting ready to cum, is cumming, or she’s already been there and back.

First is arousal, if she’s really turned on, her pupils may be dilated, her skin may be flushed red or pink on her face, neck and tits. Her breathing may be rapid and may become irregular. In general, her moaning and panting will not just get louder, but speed up as she approaches climax. She won’t be able to control it.

Next, the actual orgasm. Adding to the confusion here is that women can have both small “mini orgasms” and the awesome-earth-shaking, toe curling orgasms. While technically they both count as O’s, your girl may or may not count the small ones. In either case though, a woman’s PC muscles will contract. This means that if you’re inside her, you’ll feel it start to “squeeze” slowly while she’s cumming. It may be quick, or it could even be minute-long dick-gripping contractions. Some women go completely stiff when they cum, some go totally limp. Some yell louder than ever, some are totally quiet. No matter what her heart rate will increase. And if you’re a real stud, she may have some involuntary movements, such as shivering.

Finally, afterwards. She’ll have a dazed, dreamy look and be kind of glassy eyed. She’ll need to catch her breath and her breathing and heart rate will slowly return to normal. Her flustered red skin will gradually return to normal.

As a bonus tip, here are some tell-tale signs that she is faking.

1.) If she’s coming EVERY time. Only a very small percentage of girls can cum everytime. Also, each and every real orgasm is different. If your girl has the exact same reaction to every orgasm, it may just be for show.

2.) Obvious Overacting. This one can be a tough call, since some women will moan and talk dirty to turn you on and to turn themselves on, but if she’s just moaning mechanically, her groaning is too regular, or too loud, and she sounds like she’s totally imitating a porn star, she’s probably faking and she probably sucks at it.

3.) Out Of Synch. If her moaning and responses don’t match what you’re really doing to her, something’s wrong. For example, if you stop, and she keeps moaning with the same rhythm and intensity, she may be faking.

4.) No Downtime. There are exceptions, but if usually if she “cums” and then immediatly jumps out of bed to brush her teeth, she probably faked. It should take her at least a couple of minutes or so to calm down after having an orgasm.

In the end, you may never know for sure that she was faking it or why, unless she breaks down and confesses, or throws it in your face in the midst of an argument. But if you suspect she is pulling an act in bed, use it as a challenge and an opportunity to experiment. Switch up your sexual moves and see if you can give her a genuine toe-curler.

102 Weird Facts You Never Knew About Dogs

1. It is a myth that dogs are color blind. They can actually see in color, just not as vividly as humans. It is akin to our vision at dusk.
2. Dogs DO have better low-light vision than humans because of a special light-reflecting layer behind their retinas
3. A German Shepherd guide dog led her blind companion the entire 2100 mile Applachian Trail
4. If never spayed or neutered, a female dog, her mate, and their puppies could product over 66,000 dogs in 6 years!
5. Dogs' only sweat glands are between their paw pads
6. Like human babies, Chihuahuas are born with a soft spot in their skull which closes with age
7. The breed Lundehune has 6 toes and can close its ears
8. Teddy Roosevelt's dog, Pete, ripped a French ambassador's pants off at the White House
9. President Lyndon Johnson had two beagles named Him and Her
10. Franklin Roosevelt spent $15,000 for a destroyer to pick up his Scottie in the Aleutian Islands
11. In Roman times, mastiffs donned light armor and were sent after mounted knights
12. The Russians trained dogs during WWII to run suicide missions with mines strapped to their backs
13. A dog's mouth exerts 150-200 pounds of pressure per square inch
14. ... with some dogs exerting up to 450 pounds per squre inch.
15. A one year old dog is as mature, physically, as a 15 year old human
16. The U.S. has the highest dog population in the world
17. France has the 2nd highest
18. The average city dog lives 3 years longer than a country dog
19. 87% of dog owners say their dog curls up beside them or at their feet while they watch T.V.
20. Dogs can be trained to detect epileptic seizures
21. 15 people die in the U.S. every year from dog bites
22. In 2002 alone, more people in the U.S. were killed by dogs than by sharks in the past 100 years
23. Gidget is the name of the Taco Bell dog
24. Newfoundlands are great swimmers because of their webbed feet
25. Basset Hounds cannot swim
26. Greyhounds are the fastest dogs on earth, with speeds of up to 45 miles per hour
27. Bingo is the name of the dog on the side of the Cracker Jack box
28. The bible mentions dogs 14 times
29. Three dogs survived the sinking of the Titanic - a Newfoundland, a Pomeranian, and a Pekingese
30. The Labrador Retriever is the #1 favorite breed in the U.S., Canada, and the U.K.
31. Obesity is the #1 health problem among dogs
32. An estimated 1,000,000 dogs in the U.S. have been named as the primary beneficiaries in their owner's will
33. An American Animal Hospital Assoc. poll found that 33% of dog owners admit to talking to their dogs on the phone and leaving answering machine messages for them while away
34. Dog's nose prints are as unique as a human's finger prints and can be used to accurately identify them
35. At the end of the Beatles' song "A Day in the Life", a high-pitched dog whistle was recorded by Paul McCartney for his sheepdog
36. 70% of people sign their pet's name on greeting and holiday cards
37. 58% put pets in family and holiday portraits
38. There are only 350 Cisky Terriers in the world - perhaps the rarest breed
39. The phrase "raining cats and dogs" originated in 17th century England when it is believed that many cats and dogs drowned during heavy periods of rain.
40. Dogs have no sense of "time"
41. Humans have kept dogs as pets for over 12,000 years
42. The largest breed of dog is the Irish Wolfhound
43. The world's smallest dog breed is the Chihuahua
44. The St. Bernard is the heaviest
45. Only dogs and humans have prostates
46. But dogs do not have an appendix
47. Every dog on earth likely descended from a species knows as the Tomarctus - a creature that roamed the earth over 15 million years ago
48. The oldest known breed is likely the Saluki - originally trained by Egyptians to help them track game.
49. In 1957, Laika became the first living being in space via an earth satellite
50. ... while JFK's terrir, Charlie, father 4 puppies with Laika's daughter
51. An African wolf dog known as the basenji is the only dog in the world that cannot bark
52. There are 703 breeds of purebred dogs
53. Dachshunds were originally bred for fighting badgers
54. The world's smartest dogs are thought to be (1) the border collie, (2) the poodle, and (3) the golden retriever
55. ... while the dumbest dog is believed to be the Afghan hound
56. A dog's smell is more than 100,000 times stronger than that of a human's
57. ... which they need because their eyesight is not as keen as a human's.
58. Dogs judge objects first by their movement, then by their brightness, and lastly by their shape
59. Chocolate contains a substance known as theobromine (similar to caffeine) which can kill dogs or at the very least make them violently ill
60. George Washington had thirty six dogs - all foxhounds - with one named Sweetlips
61. All dogs are identical in anatomy - 321 bones and 42 permanent teeth
62. Smaller breeds mature faster than larger breeds
63. Female dogs are only ready to mate - "in heat" - twice a year for a total of roughly 20 days
64. Puppies sleep ninety percent of the day for their first few weeks
65. Rin Tin Tin was the first Hollywood dog star
66. ... and he really signed his movie contracts - all 22 of them - with a pawprint
67. The Wizard of Oz's Toto was played by a female Cairn Terrier named Terry
68. Up until the late 1800's, Collies were known as Scottish Sheepdogs
69. Dogs have two times as many muscles to move their ears as people
70. The longer a dog's nose, the more effective it's internal cooling system
71. An elderly woman was saved by her 12 pound Yorkshire Terrier who fought off an 80 pound Akita and survived with only 9 stitches
72. U.S. Customs dogs "Rocky" and "Barco" were so good at patrolling the border that Mexican drug lords put a $300,000 bounty on their heads
73. Dogs are all direct descendants of wolves
74. Wolves and dogs can mate to produce fertal offspring
75. Female wolves have been known to travel great distances to regurgitate full meals for their hungry pups
76. Cerberus was the tri-headed dog that guarded the underworld in Greek mythology
77. Female dogs bear their young for 60 days before they're born
78. Dogs' sense of hearing is more than ten times more acute than a human's
79. Humans can detect sounds at 20,000 times per second, while dogs can sense frequencies of 30,000 times per second.
80. The earliest dog fossil dates back to nearly 10,000 B.C.
81. Bloodhounds are prized their ability to single out and identify a number of scents simultaneously
82. Dalmatian puppies are born completely white.
83. The Ancient Chinese carried Pekingese puppies in the sleeves of their robes
84. Boxers are so named because of their manner of playing with their front paws
85. All breeds of dog have been found to attack livestock - from 3 month old puppies, all the way up to thirteen year old poodles
86. A dog's heart beats up to 120 times per minute, or 50% faster than the average human heartbeat of 80 times per minute
87. The oldest dog on record - a Queensland "Heeler" named Bluey - was 29 years, 5 months old
88. Davy Crockett had a dog named Sport
89. Dogs were first domesticated by cavemen
90. Dogs live 15 years on average
91. Many foot disorders inn dogs are simply an issue of long toenails
92. More than 5,000,000 puppies are born in the U.S. every year
93. More than 1 in 3 American families own a dog
94. Average body temperature for a dog is 101.2 degrees
95. The Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts both offer merit badges in dog care
96. Dogs are natural pack animals
97. They are naturally submissive to any creature with higher pack status - human or canine
98. Dogs instinctively require the pack leader's approval
99. Dogs with little human contact in the first three months typically don't make good pets
100. The Chihuahua was named after the state in Mexico where they were discovered
101. After birth, puppies' eyes do not fully open until they're about 12 days old
102. Their vision is not fully developed until after the 1st month

The Top 5 Ways to spend time in college

I know you could always use your free time to drink, get stoned, or gamble, but odds are you probably won’t make it to Junior year. So here are the Top 5 Ways to Pass Time in College without Booze, Pot, Online Gambling, or any other somewhat accepted vice (aka hunting for you southerners).

5. The Crave Case Race – A Crave Case is a briefcase of 30 “sliders” (mini-burgers) supplied to you by our healthconscious fast food friends atWhite Castle. If your friends were the same as mine, they were always bragging about how much they could eat, and always ready to call somebody a pussy who didn’t eat a the regulated “cool college guy” amount. My friends often got caught up in bragging about how many “sliders” or Taco Bell tacos they had eaten in one sitting. The amount was always an absurd lie that you could subtract at least 4 from.

So we decided to invent a game called the Crave Case Race to put an end to the folklore we had passed around about eating 87 “sliders” in one sitting. The game is simple: Break into teams of two or three (if you want to be a pussy about it), and give each team their own Crave Case. First team to finish their briefcase-full of future diarrhea and cholesterol problems wins the Race. If you “pull the trigger” (aka throw-up) you are disqualified.

A Grande Meal from Taco Bell is another great alternative.

This game was invented while drunk, so there might have to be an asterisk next to this game. (Actually, if they aren’t going to put one next to Barry Bonds’s records than we won’t put one next to this game.) We invented this game at a Sorority Formal. Nothing quite turns your dates on like jamming mini-burgers down your throats, and calling each other "pussies."

4. Wall Ball: The College Edition – Every boy that grew up and wasn’t in the Drama Club played Wall Ball. The official court for Wall Ball was a Tennis Wall, but any hard wall with concrete or cement in front of it would do. You could use a Tennis Ball, Racquetball/Handball, or any other rubber bouncy ball. You had to throw the ball above a certain line (usually as high as the painted-on tennis net), and you couldn't let the ball bounce twice or throw it hard enough to leave the “playing area” on the fly. If you screwedup, you got one point against you.

The rules for the College Edition are the same, with one new stipulation. It is a lot like the drinking games you play in college, which are merely modifications of the things we used to do before needing booze to have a good time (beer-pong/bozo buckets, playing cards, putting a keg on second base for softball or kickball game, etc.).

The modification for this game is not boozing (because that would be cheating the rules of this Top 5). Instead, every time someone loses a point they have to stand facing The Wall, and allow the others to take turns throwing the ball at the failure from the baseline of the court. It is amazing how much the little blue bouncy racquet ball can hurt, and it is even more amazing how equally hard you laugh each time somebody gets drilled in the back-sack successfully.

This game can also be played with a soccer ball. You juggle the ball, and the person who botches the juggle has to take turns letting the other players kick the ball as hard as they can at their back (a beach-friendly game). When playing the same way but with a Hacky Sack, you get to throw it at the loser instead of kicking it. The Racquetball/ Wall-Ball version is the best because it is way easier to hit somebody with a throw than a kick, and you don’t have to look like a hippie.

3. IP-Relay – I am sure by now that most of you have used this great service. IP-Relay is a wonderful service that allows deaf people to make phone calls via an online instant messaging service (www.ip-relay.com). You simply go to the website, punch the phone number in that you want to call, and an operator calls the person of your choice and relays to them what you are typing. Whatever you type, they say over the phone to the person you're calling. During my freshman dorm experience we used this almost as much as video games to pass the time.

Is there a better way to keep in-touch with your high school friends than by having some random operator calling them at 3pm on Tuesday afternoon asking, “Mr. (fill in the made up name of your choice) wants to know how he can get the puppy and prostitute to stop crying in unison from his locked closet?”

The operator typing your shocked friend’s response back to you is priceless: (fill in friend’s real name): Um [ten second pause] what? I think you have the wrong number…

That is when you write back something personal that only somebody close to him would know. “Mr. (fill in the made up name of your choice) wants to know why you went rollerblading with your high school girlfriend that weekend you thought all your friends were out of town. Were you wearing the recommended wrist guards for this?”

It is also fun if you and your prank calling partner both know about IP-Relay because you can join forces, and really start scaring/weirding-out the IP-Relay operator. There is nothing like the operator typing, “rubbing alcohol and a ball-gag” in response to your puppy and prostitute crying question to keep your time passing entertainingly .

2. Hot Sauce – No, I don’t mean in that homoerotic frat boy ritual of pouring it down your ass crack during hell week. It is actually a game that I made up my sophomore year of college.

One afternoon, as we were sitting in our “how did we convince our parents to let a bunch of immature and unsupervised 19-year-olds kids get a house” house, we realized how pathetic and un-athletic we had let the high school versions of ourselves get. We decided that we would go out front and toss around the football to get some exercise. After each of us ran three routes, and could hardly breathe, we decided to move it inside to the couch.

Still feeling pathetic about our far fall from athleticism we decided to play catch while sitting on our couches. As we were tossing the ball around and watching ESPN (I think we thought watching sports would make this more of a sport) I noticed our economy sized bottle of Louisiana Hot Sauce sitting on the coffee table (you know the coffee table that you get from your grandparents' house after they die). As I looked at the hot sauce I had an epiphany, this ingenius idea popped in my head like I was Robert Langdon in The Da Vinci Code.

I turned to my friends and said, “How about we each sit on separate pieces of furniture (we had a pretty big living room), we start throwing the ball harder at each other, and incorporate no-look-passes. And every time you drop a pass or make a crap throw you have to take a cap sized shot of hot sauce?”

The game Hot Sauce instantly became a bigger hit than Meth in a West Coast trailer park. We played all the time, and laughed hysterically each time someone had to take a shot of hot sauce which was usually followed by a sprint to the bathroom to possibly throw-up.

It was always fun to play with your friend who only wrestled or played offensive line growing up. His hands were more like paws, and it didn't look like he had opposable thumbs when he tried to catch the ball.

1. The NyQuil Race – This game is simple, very unsafe, and really dumb (exactly like college itself). You buy a bottle of liquid NyQuil, which comes ins both reddish-black and greenish-black magical versions. After your purchase you round up a few of your friends who have nothing to do on a Tuesday. Then follow these steps:

1. Get 4 or more people who are participating in the game to all sit in the same room on couches, and in an upright position.
2. Equally pour at least double the medically suggested amount out to each participant.
3. Before drinking the NyQuil, each participant must take out a $20 bill and place it on the center table.
4. At the same time, every participant drinks their NyQuil in full.
5. The person who can stay awake the longest wins The NyQuil Race and the money, and is forever a leader amongst retards.

When playing this game it is important that there is at least one person observing the game that is not a participant. You can call this person “smart” or “referee,” but you are in college so you will probably just call him a “pussy.” When my friends played, they made the mistake of not designating a “referee,” and nobody could recall who won. It will be easy to find a “referee” for this because it is very funny to watch, and will only take fifteen minutes of his or her time.

2007 Women's Driver Awards

2007 Women's Driver Awards

Crash compilation

The Top 10 ugliest, most embarrassing fashion trends of the past 25 years

I'm not exactly known for my fashion sense. About 90% of the time I'm wearing shorts and a plain, solid-color t-shirt. Still, I don't need to be Joan Rivers to see some of the travesties of the past twenty-five years and be utterly stupefied.

Sometimes I wonder what aliens would think, if they came down to Earth to observe us. What would they say to their overlords?

"We can take these guys no problem. They're not even smart enough to take the tags off their hats after they buy them."

Here is a list of the top ten most embarrassing fashion trends of the past 25 years. These are all clothing and accessory-related, so you won't find any mullets, or "The Rachels," or rat tails, or Flock of Seagulls, or tramp stamps listed here because I could do a whole list about those. And no 70's clothes, either, 'cause my computer would crash. The 80's were more than enough.

If I missed anything, let me know.

10) Shoulder Pads

I don't know whose idea it was that women who look like linebackers are more attractive. The shoulder pad, like the padded bra or elevator shoes, were designed to change the way a woman looked, as opposed to accentuating what they already had. I guess sloping shoulders were considered unattractive, but being shaped like Spongebob Squarepants was wicked sexy.

Thankfully as the 80's waned, these little triangles were being ripped out in droves. I remember going into the laundry room one day and finding a knee-high pile of them on the floor.

9) Hats that don't fit/bandanna under the hat

Some trends I won't see as obnoxious or ugly when they first come out, and it isn't until a few years later will I realize exactly how stupid they were.

This is not one of those.

Like a random bandaid on the face, the whole hat thing probably became popular because a rap artist was too drunk to notice he hadn't properly dressed. The next thing you know Ludacris is going to piss himself on stage, and we'll have legions of kids walking around with a wet stain between their legs. Abercrombie & Fitch will begin to sell pre-urinated-on jeans for $220, and Wal-Mart will eliminate bathroom breaks for their Chinese factory workers and just store the jeans under their chairs.

I foresee a great demand for chiropractors in the near future, with everyone walking around with their necks wrenched back because they can't see otherwise.

8) Leg Warmers

So I saw Footloose the other day. Yup. Lots o' leg warmers.


Legwarmers were a part of that whole "I got farted on by a rainbow" 80's trend. I've never worn them, so I don't know how effective they were at actually warming the leg, but I'm pretty certain they were worn more as a fashion statement than with purpose.

7) Shirts with stupid sayings on them



It's like somebody let Spencer's Gifts out of the mall and out into the public, and now that it's free, it's not going away.

I've talked about these before, and I am guilty of exploiting this trend from time to time. While there's nothing really wrong with slogan shirts, especially when you're just lounging around, there's this invisible line that goes from innocuous to annoying to really, mind-crunchingly stupid. And this whole semi-recent crop of sayings shirts are all in that third category.

Imagine walking around telling the same people the same joke over and over again. And what's worse, the joke is terrible. Now look at your shirt.

6) Zubaz

You know how they say when something is so traumatic, you can forget about it? You know what I mean. Repressed memories and all that jazz. Well, I forgot about these, and I was happier because of it.

Then I saw Rex (Diedrich Bader) in the movie Napoleon Dynamite sporting an American Flag version of these, and it all came rushing back.


don't know what it was, and maybe it was just me, but every guy I knew who wore these was either a jerk or a meathead. Maybe the Zubaz company secretly injected you with a jolt of testosterone when you slid them on or wearing them somehow made you feel like The Boz. I don't know. But the author of Napoleon Dynamite saw it.

5) Half Shirts / half sweaters / half jackets

I'm combining these even though they could each be their own category. Anyway, I'm not sure if this has been scientifically proven or not, but I'm pretty certain if a straight guy wore a half shirt (crop top/bellyshirt/whatever) out in public sometime during his lifetime, he is haunted by nightmares where he is turned magically into Prince. This can only be cured by therapy. And if it's not dealt with, it really happens.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And as far as half sweaters and half jackets are concerned... I guess what irks me the most is the transparency of the outfits. People wear jackets and sweaters because they're cold. But in the case of the cropped sweater/jacket, they're wearing it to be fashionable, and that's it.

4) Parachute Pants

I was in grade school when these were the rage. The coolest thing ever was to wear parachute pants along with one of those red and black Michael Jackson jackets and try to moonwalk in the gravel during recess.

I still remember the sound of nylon scraping against nylon when one walked in these things. At the height of the parachute pant craze, the recess bell would ring and the air would be filled with swish-swishing of the nylon-clad running for the door.

I'm still not sure what the purpose of all those pockets were, though I had a friend who always had something in every single pocket, including that impossibly small one by the ankle. He always grimaced when he sat down.

3) Spandex bodysuits

I don't think I need to explain too much here.

Almost every metal band from the 80's decked themselves out from head to toe in full-body spandex. And because of it, they had legions of screaming women clawing over each other just so they could reach up toward their package and squeal like pigs on fire.

This is one of those things where it seemed so normal back then, but I look at now and just start laughing. Especially when I think about those guys at the concerts who weren't in the band, but wore the spandex anyway.

2) Baggy Pants/clothes that are falling off

Twenty years from now, a lot of people are going to be showing pictures of themselves to their children, and their kids are going to say, "Daddy, why were your pants falling down? Why are you showing your underwear?"

"Well, son," they'll say, patting junior on the head. "It was the fashion back then."

And the child will sit there for a moment, scratch his head and say, "It was the fashion to look like an assclown?"

1) Grills


If you don't think this is the stupidest fashion trend of the past twenty-five years, and maybe of all times, you're wrong.

In case you don't know what Grills are, read this. Basically it's cosmetic teeth so you look like that Jaws guy from the James Bond movies.

Dentists around the world simultaneously slapped themselves in the forehead when this first became popular. They are obviously horrible for your teeth. Which of course makes them so much more popular.

But even more bothersome is how people seem to ignore how much of an idiot you look like when you wear these. Of all the stupid, weird, and idiotic fashions of the years, it's kind of troublesome that the stupidest ones are the most recent.

Honorable mention: Gaucho Pants, giant belts, fat shoelaces, anything with fringe.

So that's it. Why is it we can look back at certain things and be utterly embarrassed by them, but still think it's the coolest thing ever at the time? What changes in our brain?

The Worst Movies by the Best Directors

In the world of filmmaking, truly visionary directors are tough to find. Seemingly visionary directors may turn out to be one-hit wonders, and a director’s visual style can become antiquated faster than you can say “we don’t use zooms anymore.” When a truly great director is found, you’ve got to hold onto him, and appreciate him, and, most of all, ignore the occasional shitty movie from him.

It’s with a sense of profound admiration, then, that we chronicle the worst films by the best directors: films that, despite the fantastic qualifications of the men who helmed them, totally failed to be anything less than total disappointments.

Keep in mind that many of these films are quite good, in their own rights: they just suck when compared to some of the better work by their respective director.

Steven Spielberg - War of the Worlds

Imagine Independence Day, but take away all the good actors and any sort of climax and you’ve basically got War of the Worlds. Having never read the book or watched the 1950’s version I can’t speak on its accuracy (though I know the ends are the same in all three versions), but I’m willing to bet that the other versions weren’t as self-defeating as Spielberg’s remake.

The film has moments of timely brilliance, like when Tom Cruise and his family get yanked out of their car by an angry mob who then begin to shoot one another, or when a totally unprovoked Tom Cruise decides to murder the shit out of Tim Robbins just because he thinks Robbins might give away their position. Dark scenes like this would have made the movie great, were it not for the fact that they’re sandwiched between scenes of either total mediocrity (“this is your safe area”), ridiculously misplaced patriotism (as when a random and unnamed US soldier leads an effort to pull Tom Cruise from the belly of an alien tripod), or outright ridiculousness (Tom’s son not only surviving a massive explosion, but somehow managing to get to his mom’s house before Tom).

Spielberg has a great track record for ending dark and meaningful films with pointlessly tacked-on happy endings, and War of the Worlds may be the best example of that.

Brian DePalma - The Black Dahlia

If there are two things in this world that almost never disappoint, they are (A) film noir and (B) Scarlett Johansson. There must be a mathematical formula somewhere that explains how combining these things somehow ends in heartbreak, but director Brian DePalma obviously never saw it.

The Black Dahlia should have truly been a match made in heaven: an adaptation of a James Ellroy book, based on a true event, directed by Brian DePalma, and starring Hilary Swank, Aaron Eckhart, Scarlett Johansson, and Josh Hartnett (3 out of 4 ain’t bad). It’s endlessly tragic, then, that the entire film was an exercise in schizophrenia and uncertainty. The film should be about how the unsolved murder of an aspiring actress drives two cops to the brink of desperation (as the trailer led us to believe), but it instead focuses on no less than four different subplots, including:

-A boxing match between Josh and Aaron

-An about-to-be-paroled criminal who raped and cut up Scarlett

-Scarlett and Josh having an affair

-A lesbian nightclub

-and others.

The film can’t decide what the hell it’s actually about, and as a result it’s impossible to care about anything: the ending, in particular, comes out of nowhere and includes at least an hour’s worth of unseen (and occasionally irrelevant) information thrown at the audience in totally random order.

Some may call Bonfire of the Vanities DePalma’s biggest misstep: to those people, I say that you should probably watch The Black Dahlia a few more times.

Akira Kurosawa - The Hidden Fortress

Choosing the worst Kurosawa film is sort of like trying to pick the ugliest Victoria’s Secret model: technically, you could do it, but why? Still, though, The Hidden Fortress does fall short of Kurosawa’s other works. Many film students flock to it after hearing that George Lucas borrowed heavily from it (which turns out to be a disappointment in itself, because Lucas really only steals the droid characters and some plot devices), only to be underwhelmed.

The story of a soldier escorting a princess across enemy lines sounds pretty interesting, but turns out to be almost astonishingly dull: Toshiro Mifune is way more interesting when playing flawed antiheroes (e.g., Yojimbo), the princess is irritating and whiny, and the servants/droids aren’t really that funny. It’s an entertaining movie, of course, but it’s also short on the mix of excitement, drama, and meaning that Kurosawa did so well.

Francis Ford Coppola - The Godfather III

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Godfather Part III wasn’t anywhere near as good as the first two. It’s not bad, by any means, but it’s definitely inferior to its predecessors and undoubtedly Coppola’s worst hour.

But why? Well, start with the fact that Coppola only did it because he needed money, add the fact that Robert Duvall refused to take part unless he was paid as much as Pacino, take away the possible casting of Winona Ryder as Mary Corleone and replace her with a less-than-stellar Sofia Coppola, add Al Pacino’s sudden decision to overact, and you’ve got yourself a qualified disappointment. Somehow, neither Pacino nor Francis Ford Coppola realized how far Pacino had fallen since Godfather II; where the majority of his performance used to be situated in knowing glances and eerie silences, his version of Michael in Godfather III is loud and over-the-top (“I have DONE what I had to DO to PROTECT my FAMILY”).

In a way, it’d be easier if the film was flat-out bad – we could all just ignore it and move on. Unfortunately, the film has some relatively good scenes (the last shot, in particular), but their presence is lessened when placed next to a scene where a fucking helicopter shoots into a board room and kill everyone in it except Michael. Christ, that scene was in the first Lethal Weapon movie, and it didn’t even work then.

Stanley Kubrick - Eyes Wide Shut

I’d argue Barry Lyndon is actually Kubrick’s worst, but Eyes Wide Shut is definitely his most universally reviled. Shame to have your last movie end up as your most detested, but them’s the breaks.

Films about “sexual reawakening” are usually either gussied-up pornography, or intensely boring. Eyes Wide Shut manages to be a bit of both. As Tom Cruise walks around New York and gets sexually propositioned by almost every single fucking person he meets, it’s pretty hard for anybody to care amidst the leaden pacing and typically Cruise-esque acting.

According to R. Lee Ermey (whom I would never dare call a liar, for fear he’d track me down and kick the shit out of me), even Kubrick knew the film was going to be a piece of shit because Cruise and Kidman had essentially taken it from him and used it for their own purposes.

Well, at least his memory lived in the movie A.I., right? Right? Guys?

Martin Scorsese - Cape Fear

The original Cape Fear was fantastic: it somehow managed to combine two of the biggest badasses of the day (Robert Mitchum and Gregory Peck) into one film without either one overshadowing the other. It was creepy, subtle, and quietly terrifying.

Martin Scorcese’s remake has none of these things going for it. De Niro plays Max Cady as a ridiculous-sounding redneck (De Niro should, by law, be prohibited from ever attempting a Southern accent again), Nick Nolte plays Sam Bowden as a slightly less-drugged-up-than-usual version of himself (not to mention that Sam Bowden is revealed to have fabricated evidence to put Cady away, thereby making Cady more sympathetic and thereby defeating the entire purpose of the fucking movie), and there’s a pedophilia subplot that worked much better in the first film when it was simply hinted at, instead of fully explored.

Not to mention the fact that the entire climax seems like something out of Looney Tunes, as Cady dresses up like a woman, strangles Joe Don Baker, and dies screaming, tied to a sinking boat during a rainstorm.

Do yourself a favor and rent the original Peck/Mitchum flick. It’s a hell of a lot better.

Terry Gilliam - The Brothers Grimm

say this having never seen Tideland – if that flick is worse, feel free to send us an email.

Despite good turns from Heath Ledger and Matt Damon (one of the more entertaining aspects of the film is that the casting should have assumedly been reversed – Heath as the smooth-talker, and Matt as the quiet one), The Brothers Grimm is really nothing more than a very pretty Scooby Doo episode. The set design is good (but not as good as the posters would have led us to believe) and Gilliam’s direction is, as always, very meticulous, but the plot is stale, the characters boring, and the jokes unfunny.

While nobody could ever accuse Gilliam of selling out, it remains his most studio-friendly work to date: no real theme, no real message, just a few hours of two extremely attractive protagonists getting into computer-generated hijinx. It’s unfortunate that Gilliam eschewed the miniatures and practical special effects that made Brazil and The Adventures of Baron Munchausen so great – as nice as CG is, the special effects in Grimm have none of the personality of those in Gilliam’s earlier works.

Alfred Hitchcock - To Catch a Thief

Considering it was directed by a master of suspense and starred one of the most charming actors of its time, it’s almost amazing that To Catch a Thief manages to be so utterly unsuspenseful and charmless.

With no intrigue or murder to work on, this Hitchcock “thriller” basically revolves around Cary Grant and Grace Kelly almost having sex for about an hour and a half. The “real” plot involves Grace attempting to capture Cary Grant in the act of cat burgling (his criminal alias is “The Cat,” which may be the most uncool criminal alias of all time), but what little entertainment exists in the film comes from the quasi-chemistry between Grant and Kelly.

If anything, the film’s one great scene occurs when Grace Kelly opens a door, kisses Grant for absolutely no reason, and then closes the door. If that scene sounds a bit boring to be the best scene in the film, then you’re absolutely right: Cary Grant seems absolutely bored, and Grace Kelly (though painfully gorgeous) is even colder than usual.

Ridley Scott - Matchstick Men

Ah, the conman film. How wonderfully dependable you are. From The Sting to Matchstick Men, every conman film ever made consists of three clearly recognizable acts: in the first, we learn some clever and interesting small cons that the protagonist uses on a daily basis. In the second, the protagonist builds up to one big con. In the third, the big con goes down but twists and turns in a way the audience would have never imagined. This works for The Sting, but when Matchstick Men does it, the movie essentially destroys its one purpose for being.

Ostensibly, Matchstick Men was supposed to stand out from the pack of con artist flicks because while it dealt with the life of a professional liar (an OCD-plagued Nicholas Cage), it was also about him learning to love his newfound daughter. The film is actually somewhat entertaining throughout, even if the jokes fall flat and there’s not much chemistry between Cage and Alison “simultaneously looks twelve and thirty years old” Lohman.

The real problem comes with the ending: while The Sting’s twist-within-a-twist of an ending worked as light entertainment, Matchstick Men essentially makes the entire relationship between Nick Cage and his estranged daughter – you know, the basis of the entire film – irrelevant. We find out that the girl isn’t really his daughter, and she’s just been conning him. All of the themes about redemption and forgiveness are more or less lost once the twist ending comes around, in favor of a cheap surprise and a too-long denouement.

Sam Peckinpah - The Ballad of Cable Hogue

You wouldn’t think that the same guy who directed The Wild Bunch would also helm a comedy-western-musical. You might think that said comedy-western-musical might suck pretty hard, and you’d be right.

Sam Peckinpah was a gruff, serious kind of guy. This may come as a surprise, but gruff, serious guys don’t usually do comedy very well. Even though Jason Robards will always be a badass, even he can’t save Ballad from its plethora of childish sight gags (OH NOES, CABLE’S WIFE IS NAKED AND THEY HAVE GUESTS HOWEVER WILL HE COVER HER UP) and out-of-place musical numbers.

Not to mention that at the very end, Peckinpah suddenly decides that he wants to get serious. Unfortunately, Peckinpah’s version of “serious” equates with a forced and misplaced bit of story symbolism, wherein the first automobile of its type drives up to Cable’s watering hole. It begins to drift down a hill, and – for no discernible reason whatsoever – Cable tries to physically stop the car, is run over, and dies, killed by the piece of new technology.

Gee, I wonder what that could possibly mean? It’s not like that scene wasn’t done immeasurably better in any one of Peckinpah’s other films.

Quentin Tarantino - Death Proof

First things first: if you’re one of those people who’s going to defend Death Proof by saying “you just didn’t get it, you’re a mongoloid who needs to be entertained by explosions every three seconds, you can’t appreciate simple dialogue,” then shut up. I love Tarantino dialogue, I don’t mind slow films, and I’m okay with plots that go nowhere (I own and enjoy Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, for Christ’s sake).

The real problem with Death Proof is that it has its priorities seriously confused. For a grindhouse-style film, it’s remarkably modern: while I’m not the connoisseur of sleaze cinema that Tarantino fancies himself, I do know that grindhouse films never spent the majority of their running time filled with pointless, superficial dialogue that served only to stroke the director’s ego. If there’s one thing a grindhouse film should never, ever do, it’s bore the audience. And Death Proof does exactly that.

And yeah, I get what the point of the dialogue was. By hearing the girls talk about regular, everyday bullshit, we’ll connect with them emotionally and it’ll be a much bigger deal when Stuntman Mike wrecks their shit. Just one problem, though: the girls have almost totally interchangeable personalities, and are more or less impossible to care for. Yeah, Zoe Bell and the Angry Black Chick stand out from the other characters, but they only stand out in that they’re really fucking annoying. Could Zoe possibly squint more in order to accentuate her bad girl dialogue, or could Angry Black Chick be any more stereotypically Angry or Black?

Not to mention that the single coolest and most interesting character in the entire film, Stuntman Mike, is only in about a fourth of the entire movie. Stuntman Mike is so cool that it’s really hard not to root for him, thus making all the bullshit dialogue with the women totally pointless. Mike’s too awesome: just let him kill these bitches and we’ll be on our way.

While the car scenes are probably the best ever put on film, you have to wonder: why on Earth didn’t Angry Black Chick just slow down when Stuntman Mike started chasing them? Or at the moment when the car actually comes to an almost-complete stop, why the hell didn’t Zoe just get off the hood and run into the car? I’m willing to suspend my disbelief pretty far in a movie called Grindhouse, but not enough to believe that an assumedly intelligent woman didn’t have the common sense to get off the hood of a friggin’ moving car when she had the chance.

I wish I could have enjoyed Death Proof more than I did, but considering it was preceded by the hilariously action-packed Planet Terror, there was no way for Death Proof to seem anything other than ploddingly slow and, overall, disappointing. The films could have probably been switched in order and Grindhouse would have worked better as a whole – not to mention that chronologically, the events of Death Proof take place before Planet Terror.

PS: Mary Elizabeth Winstead was the single hottest girl in either movie, and she did absolutely nothing. Unfortunate.